Saturday, December 9, 2006 . 8:54 AM
To me, I always find ways to improve in myself and feel that I can leave all my bad characters behind and becoming a more perfect person. I’m a girl who is very ambitious in term of trying to achieve what others have that I do not have. This actually lead me to even want to achieve more and feeling that I am capable of changing oneself to be so perfect in other people view.
But thanks God for making me reflect on my negative side of the character. After my encounter camp, I ask God this question, “How can’t I’m not able to experience you much in the encounter camp? Is there something that is lacking in me that disenable me to draw nearer to you?” To my surprise, I found out the answer a few days later when I’m having my quiet time with God.
God did not answer my question directly but instead it made me reflect back on certain points that I have neglected in myself. The questions that popped up in my mind at that moment is, “Do you think you have change in term of your own capability or by the power of God?” and “Are you working a way out for God or is God working a way out for you?” This indeed took me some times to reflect on.
People often feel that they are so capable of doing everything and when there’s changes and improvement, they get so proud that they feel that it is their own power that leads them to it. This makes me realize that the changes in me are not just because I think I’m so good but it’s by the power of God. If I didn’t receive Christ two months ago, will I be able to kick off some of my bad habits? The answer is no. This teaches me to be more humble. I began to ask myself again, “So why are you seeking God so desperately and what is your purpose?” and this had indeed make me felt a sense of guilt that did I seek God just because all my church friends are doing so and I feel that I should be like them. Perhaps God wanted me to answer this question true fully to myself. I came to realize that I am actually setting a way out for God to achieve what I want instead of following the way God has set out for me. This had definitely made me learn a precious lesson on myself and make me realize that there’s more that I need to learn about.
I came across this message while reading the book on “Reaching for the invisible God” by Philip Yancey.
“Those who say that they believe in God and yet neither love nor fear him do not in fact believe in him but in those who have taught them that God exists. Those who believe that they believe in God, but without any passion in their heart, any anguish of mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only in the God-idea, not in God”
– Miguel De Unamuno
So do you love or fear God? For me, I choose to love him and I’m working hard to seek and know more about him during my Dec holiday and I believe that through him, God will make me grow up more…
And I thanks God for blessing me with a wonderful spiritual family. I love my Ah ma, Julee and all my loving sisters. It’s them that make me learn more about this Christianity journey and I am confident that I will continue to live in faith with God each and every day.
